Battle Cards: Destmoon vs. Obama vs. Nidoking

Battle cards hold a special place in the hearts of all Japanese- from childhood they are accustomed to trapping the spirits of nature in little plastic balls (Pokemon, Dragonballz) and unleashing their fury upon each other- their incarnations ranging from monsters to cute yellow mice to beatles (rhino-horn!) to girls in various cute outfits to Obama. Yes, Obama is now in the market- complete with fighting stats and assorted team members and enemies. Japanese pour their hope and dreams into him just as readily as they do into Gundam and Hello Kitty. How will he fare against those stalwarts of Japanese ideocracy?

The contenders.

First off, let’s take a look at Destmoon from the Treasure Gaust card range, a name possibly derived from ‘Moon Destroyer’ or ‘Destiny Moon’.

Destmoon is green, has bad-ass wings, and some kind of phallic anchor on a chain. He comes with a huge piece of gum bigger than his body.
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Claw feet, two anchors, and spiky green jello for hair.
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Vital stats to note:

Hit Points- 2,750

Treasure Rank-8

Treasure Value- 9000,000

Well, not bad, I think you’ll agree. That’s quite a high treasure rank, it must be said. How will Obama fare?

Obama comes with a whole range of friends and enemies, as well as his younger self.

Suit-shielding, time-telling wrist-piece.
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Vital stats to note:

Hit Points- Unclear, perhaps 64

Treasure Rank-None, but he is 44th in a long line of his fellows.

Treasure Value- Unclear, perhaps 54%

Obama’s stats are confusing at best I must say- I really don’t know how he’ll fare against the others.

Well, let’s look at the final, Nidoking:

Nidoking comes with assorted friends, just like Obama.
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We can’t see a big picture of Nidoking cos he is living in his slave-ball at the moment, waiting to be ordered to fight like a Roman gladiator.
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Nidoking! Crazy mouse ears on a spiky rhino body, three-clawed hands, teeth too big for his mouth.

Vital stats to note:

Hit Points- 130

Treasure Rank- None, but he has +30 water and +20 Electricity.

Treasure Value- Unclear, but he only weighs 62kg.

So, if I unleash them against each other- what’s going to happen? Well, I guess Obama is about 70kg or more, so he has 8kg on the Nidoking, but about 60 HP less. His 54% power might help, but Nidokinghas water power, the last in Obama’s line didn’t fare too well against that (Katrina), but since Obama’s the next incarnation he might be up to it.

Throw Destmoon into the mix and we’ve got some trouble. His HP is so much higher I think he must be on some kind of special exchange rate. If Obama’s HP are like dollars, and Destmoon’s are yen, we csn divide by around 100 to get the true figure. 2,750 by 100 equals 27.5. Hmm, that’s half of what Obama has- not looking good. He does have two anchors, but he also has a high treasure value- 9,000,000. Obama really needs cash (to spend) now, so we can envisage he’ll go into this fight ultra-psyched.

It’s a tough one. Obama is such a bi-partisan guy though that he might be able to win over Nidoking by promising to spend some of Destmoon’s loot on pork barrel projects for his constituency (like a planetarium). He’s good at reaching across the aisle, so I wouldn’t put it past him.

Oh, wait.

I just realised the special ability on Obama’s card: